from "The Speed Trap"

When we are unhappy, we often quite naturally begin to fantasize about how our troubles would end “if only.” If only I could move to the country and avoid the hassle of city life · If only I could quit my job and do something simpler, like be a forest ranger in a national park · If only I could leave this marriage, which isn’t working out, and find someone who really understands me.

Unfortunately, all too often we quit that stressful job or leave that unhappy marriage, only to find ourselves in a similar or worse situation. Why is this?

Looking for external solutions to our psychological problems doesn’t work. In other words, if we don’t change our thinking, we will bring that thinking right along with us to the next job or the next marriage or the new house in the country. Our experience of life is the creation of our own thinking—perception—emotion—behavior. This doesn’t mean that people should never change jobs or careers, move to a better location, or even find a new significant other. It simply means that nothing changes on the outside if nothing changes on the inside, where your experience is created—your mind.

Doug came to me for help with several problems. He was stressed beyond his limit. He was unable to sleep at night, hated the industry he was in and the people he worked with, had angry outbursts at work, and couldn’t maintain a significant relationship. To Doug, it appeared that he was in the wrong job and living in the wrong state and that his problems were all a result of those factors. In the past ten years he’d taken five new jobs, moved to four new homes, and failed in numerous relationships.

Doug would often fantasize about moving to Colorado, getting a job at a ski resort, and simplifying his hectic life. He was making great money where he was, but the stress wasn’t worth it to him, and he knew he wasn’t getting any younger. He sought me out because he wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to regret his decision later.

“Everybody around here is always pushing my buttons,” Doug said. “They have no respect for my time, my priorities, or my responsibilities, yet they want me to respect theirs. Well, I tell you they can take this job and do you know what with it!” This was Doug’s typical complaint. But as he began to understand the principles described in this book, his view of his job and other people gradually began to change.

The Fork in the Road

One day, Doug realized he’d had it with his supervisor. One more demand like that and I’ll show him. I’ll quit, Doug grumbled to himself.
Sure enough, his supervisor asked him to cancel his other plans and fly to Florida the next day; this was an emergency.

“I’m sick and tired of your demands! What do you take me for—a fool?” With that, Doug stormed out of his supervisor’s office and out to the parking lot. He sped out of the driveway, and within two blocks a police officer pulled him over and began writing out a ticket for going 50 in a 35-mph. zone.

As Doug sat in his car, it dawned on him that he was totally out of control and definitely in an unhealthy way of thinking. Once again, he had made an impulsive, reactive decision while in a rage. All of his musings about leaving the job seemed to build up to this point. What have I done? he asked himself. Is this really what I want, or am I overreacting? Suddenly, it became absolutely clear to him that he had been “temporarily insane” and had acted on that insane thinking.

When the officer handed him the ticket, Doug thanked him for the wake-up call. Puzzled, the officer walked away wondering why anyone would be thanking him for a ticket.

Doug suddenly realized that this was just one of numerous occasions in which he had set himself up for having a major emotional reaction by thinking that “they” were ruining his life. It became clear to him that he was taking everything personally and that it was his thinking that was giving him his emotional reaction. A flood of memories and insights washed over him, and he saw this pattern throughout his whole life, with his family, his bosses, his girlfriends, other jobs. It was always “their fault,” and his only recourse was to get away from those negative influences. That had appeared to be his only option this time once again—up to the moment he got the speeding ticket.

Doug went back to the office and apologized to his boss. “I’m really sorry I reacted to you the way I did. I was way out of line. I’ll be in Florida tomorrow.” With that accomplished, Doug actually began to feel good about the trip and even decided to throw in his golf clubs and take the weekend off for some R & R. Man, I’m so lucky to have a job that will get me out of the cold winter and off to Florida, he thought, as he went whistling out the door.

On the plane back from Florida, Doug felt a warm glow of grateful feelings as he realized how much he actually loved his job, especially now that he realized where the power over his anger and his happiness truly resided. Boy, am I glad I didn’t quit. That was a close one. I wonder in how many other areas of my life I’ve been doing the same thing, Doug mused. I guess the grass only looked greener because I needed a new pair of glasses!

The Principle in Practice

With the wake-up call of the speeding ticket and the insight that his experience was created in his own thoughts, Doug regained his freedom and his responsibility for his own life. He realized that the source of his happiness was inside him all along and the buttons that “they” were pushing to “make him angry” were being pushed by Doug himself from the inside out. When we realize the power of thought to create our emotions, we don’t have to give up what we love to do in order to find our happiness.

Doug’s story brings to mind the last line in the Wizard of Oz, in which Dorothy tells the Glinda the Good Witch what she has learned from her adventures. “Well, I think that it wasn’t enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And it’s that if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any farther than my own backyard, because if it isn’t there I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?”

Glinda says, “That’s all it is.”

Happiness is inside.

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